Hitting the wall
I know how you feel. I have been caught in the same awful cycle, it's just destroying me. There is rarely, if ever, moderation in drinking, and when it is harder to maintain than not drinking at all.
I'll be "good" for a few days and then binge. Wake up, feel like death, or dying, swear it off, then fall back in. Lather, rinse, repeat. This time yesterday I was exercising after a wonderful day of writing, I felt joyous and productive and all was right with the world. Today, I am crouching in the shadows. I look like ****, I feel like ****. I can't do this anymore. But the cravings just overtake. And ludicrous as this sounds, I fear what life will be like if I stop. Will I lose my boyfriend, my life... I know intellectually that these fears are groundless, but there's some awful jam that I have to get past to change and save my life.