jstar

Leap....fall....leap....fall............picking myself up once again.

Thanks all for your encouragement, as always the responses are most helpful. I keep trying to convince myself that I am fine. My last few bouts have been horrible. Yesterday though, was horrible in a different way. Went to the fair w/my husband x4 kids....managed to sneak a couple drinks before we got there & 2 more within a hour of being there. I was excited & happy go lucky for a little while as I rode every crazy upside down/sideways ride w/my 12 yr old which is my fearless one. Liquid courage I suppose & part of me just wanted to feel that sensation of falling & being a little scared of the rides...wanting to "feel" alive.

But after not too long, we were off doing other things and there was no bar in site that I could sneak away to...I became irritated and depressed. Snapping at everyone and getting frustrated over the smallest things. Not until later in the evening did I have a chance to return to the bar as we had split up taking kids different ways & were meeting back by my choice, in the grassy area (next to the bar). I was so relieved to finally be close & went & grabbed a beer (to seem less suspicious to my husband) but downed a couple shots of tequila while standing up at the bar. Then I went up again just before they closed it up, cause I just wasn't feeling it yet, so threw in another shot. Then I was relieved, good for a bit while the kids ran off their sugar in the grass chasing eachother with huge stuffed animals.

It hit me in the car going home, I didn't have to drink today. I made my family miserable & was irritated half the day all because I was wanting to go find another drink, but I couldn't.

I guess that story doesn't sound very "normal" does it?

June 24, 2012...leaping again. Going to a meeting in an hour.