Goog, i'm sorry that you are in such a horrible place right now. I myself remember how it felt to be in that place. As has been said above, for me, acceptance that i couldn't have that first drink was key. I don't even look at it as not having a drink ever again, i just won't drink today. IT makes it less scary and far more manegable at the start.
Don't be ashamed of going to AA. The people there will understand you completely. No one will judge you because they have all been in your position. Could you ring the AA helpline?. If you call that, someone will be able to come and take you to your first meeting.
You can recover from this. You can stop drinking and, most importantly, stay stopped. I did it through AA - there will be people on here who will be able to advise if they did it via a different route - but for me AA was the only thing that helped me to stay stopped.
Good luck with everything goog xx