Hi goog
welcome back - the only way I could deal with it was to accept that it was that first drink that did the damage....not the last
the thought I could drink and be ok would keep me in the cycle and sooner or later I always went back to that dark place.
I can't drink and be ok - and it sounds like you can't either - not with any certainty or consistency.
I found support was good for those times when I began to feel I could maybe drink normally again - have you thought of support at all goog?
D