Elisabeth,
I think we all do a good enough job beating ourselves up without having someone else join in. You have not drank for 45 days. She did not do this, you did. Please see yourself as the powerhouse you are. It takes good energy to quit and stay quit. Try to surround yourself with people and things that are good for you.
I wish you the best.
By the way, I love your lab pic. I have a yellow lab. All love and they never yell at you over stupid stuff.