But one of the things that peeves me off sometimes is that dealing with AH's issues has totally changed my relationship with alcohol now too.
I know - in the long run it's a non-issue, sobriety will always come first & recovery is imperative. But D@mmit! I used to have a healthy relationship with alcohol & now I question every single thing about it.
If I feel like having one, I find myself analyzing WHY.
We used to drink together so I feel wrong drinking in front of him (even 1) despite him assuring me that it doesn't affect him. (And it truly doesn't seem to but it still feels disloyal to me? He maintains that if he relapses it's on him, that I can't be responsible for his actions & since he can & did buy alcohol everywhere, having it at home presents no greater challenge.)
If I don't drink unless he's occupied with other activities I feel like a bigger moron because now I'm drinking ALONE which feels wrong & isolated. (& I don't enjoy it at all)
I find myself tracking how much other people talk about drinking, how much they consume & how obvious some of their own addictions are. Even if I'm not judging them it feels like it since I'm so much more aware of it all.
I NEVER thought this much about my own alcohol intake. I had a couple when I felt like it & if I didn't that was fine too. I'm just as social & active with or without it in my life but sometimes I actually ENJOY a cold margarita on a hot day, kwim? I feel like I'm constantly judging myself & trying to figure if/when/what rules apply to me & drinking.
What a stupid frustration to have, eh?
Just wanted to get it out, thanks for reading!