SomebodyElse

My husband and I went to dinner with some friends (all drinkers) last night. On the way to dinner my husband says that I should have a couple of drinks (which means about 6 or so). I told him that I was not drinking tonight. He sounded disappointed and told me that I should drink. I told him not to pressure me to drink. He stopped and told me not to say anything when he got drunk tonight. I told him that I knew he was going to get drunk and I would try not to say anything. I managed not to say anything as he (and everyone else) drank themselves stupid. I really wanted to say something. I did drag my husband out when it was time to go relieve the babysitter, of course he wanted to stay and drink.

For the most part, I was okay drinking water while everyone else was drinking alcohol. The woman sitting beside me at dinner asked me why I wasn't drinking. I was stunned for just a moment then awkwardly told her that I was on a diet. She told me that I should drink Vodka. (Geez! Thanks for the weight loss tip!)

There was one point during the evening that I almost said screw it and ordered a drink. What stopped me was knowing that I was too far behind and couldn't catch up AND knowing that I would have to come back here and fess up (or not come back here and hide). Also I have really enjoyed my 6 sober days for the most part. Now the morning of day 7 and I am so glad that I didn't drink last night because I feel great! Albeit confused and a little miffed!

I am an actions speak louder then words kind of person, so I haven't said anything about stopping drinking (or my alcohol problem) to anyone. I figure if I don't want to drink, for whatever reason, that is my business. I know it makes my husband and friends uncomfortable, heck it makes me uncomfortable, but I am just tired of it.

I never got a DUI, but not for a lack of trying. I didn't drink everyday, because some days I was too busy puking to drink more. I blacked out numerous times and had entire conversations that I have no memory of having (embarrassing when I have to fake that I know what the other person is talking about the next week or whenever). I have woken up and wondered what did I post on FB? Who did I text or email? Did I call anybody? There is no way that this behavior can be deemed "normal" or okay. So when I wonder if I am an alcoholic, I think of these things and answer to myself "yes". At the very least, I have a desire to quit drinking and that's all that matters!!

I think I need someone to tell me "good job" and "it's going to get better just stick with it". Anyone? I needed to vent, so thanks for letting me do so.