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06-21-2012, 09:51 AM

# 9 (permalink)

Jersey Nonny

Old & Sober Member of AA

Join Date: Nov 2005

Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey

Posts: 5,174

I guess you could consider me "Old School AA", so I'm going to share what was strongly suggested to me in early recovery.

Do not make any life changes (if at all possible) within the first year of sobriety.

Of course, being an adult married woman with three children, I knew better than those with more experience at staying sober. Although I was separated from my husband of 25 years and had already filed for divorce, instead of putting it on hold, I went forward and was granted the divorce on my 90th day of "sobriety".

Part of the reason I was so anxious to get the divorce over with was that I had become involved in a "rehab romance" with a fellow alcoholic while in a 12 day detox. Like you, I was very vulnerable and longed for someone with whom I felt comfortable and would make me feel loved and needed. He told me he had been in AA for eight years. What he failed to include was that he had been in and out of detox several times during that eight years.

Against everyone's advice, I continued this relationship until the inevitable...he started drinking, I started drinking, I wound up back in detox. I have no idea what happened to him...he could be dead, for all I know. Although the divorce, too, was probably inevitable, I wish I had waited at least a year...I do believe I would have been better equipped emotionally. As it was, I had to seek counselling two years into sobriety because I had become so deeply depressed. The therapist explained that I had not fully mourned the divorce.

Those were two very painful learning experiences that could have been avoided, had I taken the advice of those who knew better than I and had my best interests at heart. That all happened 30+ years ago...but, I wouldn't hesitate to give that same advice to anyone wanting to stay sober:

Do not make any life changes (if at all possible) within the first year of sobriety.

If you and your cyber friend are meant to be together, it will happen in good time. Why rush things? You can still communicate via internet.

Quote:

Its common people meet over the net these days and your dad not really being in the age of the net does not understand either.

In your dad's defense (and my own), I feel it's very judgemental of younger people to think anyone born before 1980 is clueless.

I wish for you a happy, sober future.