(((((((transformmyself)))))))))
My heart goes out to you...I've struggled with the same feelings of guilt and shame when it comes to some of the choices I've made and the way I dealt with my exah's drinking BEFORE I found recovery.
There's just no easy way to deal with all of this...and without recovery on our part, there really isn't a healthy way to deal with it... We make irrational decisions to deal with an irrational situation. We did the best we could with the tools we had available at the time.
A year ago I started attending al anon meetings regularly. And my son (now age 13) began attending al a teen. And we're both doing better these days. My exah is still drinking...he's still doing the same things he's always done but my son and I are getting better...and that's all I care about and all I can control.
I've apologized to my son a couple of times about the way I acted and the choices I made when dealing with my exah. He's a pretty smart kid and he's learning things about addiction that I only wish I had known as a kid growing up. My dad was an alcoholic and nobody talked about it. It was a big secret. Is it any wonder I married an alcoholic and had NO CLUE what I was really getting myself into? Even though I can't go back and undo my past mistakes, I take alot of comfort in the fact that I'm exposing my son to al ateen and giving him the tools he will need to make healthier life choices than I did.
Hugs from one mom to another.
It's never to late to turn the ship around...and it sounds like that's just what you're doing. Lots of women NEVER manage to do it. Lots of them just stay wehre they are. So give yourself credit for trying to do something healthy. Your a great mom. We both are.:ghug3
Mary