Summerpeach,
I completely identify with you. You are not alone. I am learning to forgive myself for dating a series of men who I KNEW were not good for me. I dated and gave so much of myself to men who did not make sense because I am a true Codie (thinking I can help/fix them) and because I am afraid of being alone forever.
I TOTALLY understand dating someone like this insane, hot mess, you described because I convinced myself he was something he was not.
I try to remember the quote by Maya Angelou, "when someone tells you about themselves...believe them." So, I try to pay more attention when someone basically tells me they are a loser. As much as the Codie in me wants to convince me and that person that he is not...it is usually true. This is because people live up to their expectations of themselves. So, when a man tells me, "Well, I am pretty lazy. I mean, I kinda make an effort to go to work everyday, to wash my dishes and keep my apartment clean, I slack off." That is not a queue for me to correct him and say, "oh you are not a lazy so and so." That is a queue for me to nod my head and make a mental to note to run far, far way. Crawl, walk, run, jump, and fly from dysfunctional people who tell me they are dysfunctional!
I am rambling now, but don't feel alone. And don't feel bad for making mistakes that you know are wrong. Sometimes our slip-ups just reinforce what we already know.
Take care of yourself and be sweet to yourself.
Many
Love,
~Lily