lillamy

Recovery is a life-long thing, friend.
Let me tell you a story from my life.

I was invited to a dinner party at friends' house. One of the people at the party was an obnoxious loudmouth guy who dominated the conversation, took over all conversation threads, and made it about HIM. And his excellence and awards and how he won Best Salesman of the Year five years in a row. Etc., etc., etc. It was embarrassing. You know how someone can be so clueless that you get embarrassed for them? Yeah.

I helped the hostess clear the table before dessert, and mentioned something about this guy in the kitchen -- something like "wow that guy really has a lot of stories to tell huh?" intended to show sympathy with her for having the party ruined by this loudmouth. She responded by telling me that he was an old family friend whose wife had accused him of physically abusing her throughout their marriage; she had gotten a restraining order against him and he hadn't seen his kids in almost a year because of it -- and it was all just the wife making it up...

I returned to the table, and found to my immense shock that the annoying loudmouth all of a sudden had become almost irresistibly attractive to me. If I hadn't promised to be designated driver for two other friends, I would have gone home with him that night. Seriously.

I don't know where it is we're broken, but I know that being aware of it, and knowing that it's a pathological reaction that goes against our instincts for self-preservation makes all the difference in the world.

I like to think of it as those (very few) people who don't feel pain. They'll die an early death if they don't learn to work around their disability. Until you manage to identify those situations as danger zones, you just have to work around them.

I'm in a solid relationship with a solid man now. But I can still get attracted to dangerous slimeballs. I like to ridicule myself when it happens. Say things to myself like, "So -- you think you could fix this guy huh? You know, while you're at it, why don't you move Hawaii a little closer to the mainland and deal with the situation in the Middle East?" That's usually enough to wake me up...

We're not supposed to give advice here. But I will say one thing: Stop beating yourself up. That does no good. When you know better, you do better. Harsh lesson learned. Keep that in mind as you move forward. And keep working on recovery. Hugs!!!