ED1969

Three months ago I found myself sitting down with my wife of eight years discussing an all too familiar topic. She was picking up a white chip and felt the need to proclaim this to me. Never before had she ever been the one to come forward. This was a shock and as I had normally been able to notice her relapses, I didn't see this one. She has a 5 year history of going in and out of treatment over prescription medication, mainly Fioricet the first couple of times, but it became worse. The latest decent was into Oxy/Roxy and there was a severe financial fallout that was discovered impacting us, and her parents. This was hidden from me until this discussion.

My wife proposed the idea of her being away from our house for the "90 meetings in 90 days" duration of the fresh attempt at sobriety. I was sympathetic as our house had become a neglected home, and a sad reminder of what she had caused as I stood idly by. This turned into her signing a six month lease as it was all that was available.

I didn't like that idea, but it is the path I have to work with. I am dedicated to working on me right now, but I continue to worry about us. Every moment it can creep into my thoughts, and I can't shake it.

Even though I said that I didn't like the way our current separation evolved, I quickly changed my mind about it after a good bit of introspection. I realized the masked and hidden toll our situation had taken on me. I uncovered the fact that I had de-valued myself and had lost so much self-respect through the past several years that I wasn't capable of being a loving husband anymore. I am committed to working on that everyday and have surrendered this situation to my higher power. I am committed to doing whatever it takes to salvage my marriage. I am active with an effective councilor who I see every week for now. What I am left with is a huge unknown....

My wife has indicated that she doesn't know if she wants to be married to me anymore, or to anyone else ever again. This was a huge blow to me and something I never thought I'd hear. After all, I'd stuck with her through every single relapse and treatment program. Like a rock I was going to tough this out. Only problem was after it wore me out and tore me down I couldn't deal with my own issues unless she left me. I'm working on that now and I see how important this actually is for me, her, and us. Only problem is that I feel a sense of fatalism in her words, like there isn't much hope for reconciliation. It's as if she decided moving on was the best course and can't bear to tell me that on top of all the shame, remorse, and guilt she holds in her heart.

We are in a strange place right now. She is less than two months clean and I am living alone without my wife for going on three months. We haven't spent much meaningful time together since then, but we speak/communicate nearly everyday. We have agreed to refrain from talking about "us" for right now in the interest of working on ourselves first. First things, first. What that means, I don't know.

My counselor has indicated that couples counseling shouldn't be considered for at least 6 months, but I can't help but wonder why it would be a good thing to let us drift farther apart. I feel like that is happening, but I can't trust my POV here.

The crux of this rambling first post is clear to me. I'm confused, disappointed, heart-broken, lost, and feeling terribly alone. I don't know what happens next, but I do know that taking care of myself first will be my best, first move. I want answers I know I can't get, but I had to remove this from my chest and I'm glad I did. Any comments/questions are more than welcome....thanks in advance.