Welcome back effortjoy
I felt the same way - there was no way I could life my life without drinking and no way I could not drink in my life as it was.
The solution for me was to change my life.
Recovery was that important for me.
That doesn't mean you need to leave your family or quit your job or anything - it does mean you have to take a good look at your priorities though I think...
If there's something more important than you getting sober then you're making a pretty hard road for yourself I think?
D