Seeing Red
OMG, I just need to vent. I can not seem to get it through his head that we are done, his actions speak louder than words and I know he is just trying to make things work because he doesn't want to bother having to find a new place and all that entails.
Something has to change soon though, my pity for him has turned into anger, seething rage and I just want to physically hurt him. Obviously, I have some issues to deal with and tomorrow is 1st appt with therapist.
I hear the slur in his voice and I want to take the beer can and throw it at him.
Yesterday he said he was taking a buddy home who was helping him out and was gone for 8 hours. No phone call from him & I didn't call him. Finally when he did get home, he couldn't understand why I gave him the silent treatment. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong. Then the topper was that he admitted that he had done some meth & crack in the past week.
I can be honest because I am hoping someone out there will understand, but when he told me that, I saw a screwdriver on the table and want to stab it through his heart. I think I just want to hurt him like he hurts me.
Don't worry, I won't act on any of these thoughts, I have too much to lose to lift one finger at him. But god the anger is just flowing through me.
I don't get WHY can't he understand the constant pain he inflicts on me with his actions & WHY doesn't he care. and for that matter WHY does it even matter to me. He is trash, just hearing him admit the drugs he is doing makes me sick.
Fathers day today, what a joy, he invited his 19 year old son over to smoke pot in my garage.
I am praying that the therapist tomorrow can start to put some sanity back in me because there are days that I feel like I am going to lose it.
Thank you for letting me vent & post, the tightness in my chest is starting to lessen just by typing how I feel.
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