it's hard for me to watch someone make choices that I fear will cause them to experience the mistakes and pain that I have suffered in my life. It's almost like if I can "save" even one person from that experience then what I went through was worth SOMETHING. I want to reach out and "save" you Pink because after I peel off all of the layers I'm still trying to control things and maybe even save myself.
Once I step back though and reach deep into my recovery I realize that the only thing that I have any possibility of controlling is myself. I also think about the saying "hands off the addict". It's easy to extrapolate that to the substance abuser but it also applies to the loved ones of addicts (who are addicted to an addict....even if he/she is "clean"). I realize that I need to keep my hands off of you and your choices. If I follow the tenants of my recovery program it is to share my experience, strength, and hope. That translates into speaking of how I found hope for me. And it was because I had somewhere to turn each step of the way (the rooms of recovery) where I found acceptance and understanding no matter how much I chose the path that led to great distruction for me and my life.
I appreciate how that community was there before, during, and after while I made the choices that I did.....not telling my family and friends the whole truth about my ex husband, how I took any information and tweaked it to not seem quite as bad when I did talk about him and his history. Most of all I talked about how he had changed. I was a heat seeking missle heading towards my target - which was a determination to be in a relationship with my ex and stand by his side (as he "nobly" dealt with his past). I mean, what type of partner would I have been had I walked away from him when he was finally doing the right thing and dealing with his past. All so that we could have a future.
During the course of our relationship my husband became sober after a 20 year history of crack addiction. But maybe he really wasn't an addict because he was able to quit....don't know - just saying. Actually, I'm being very sarcastic about that. Yes...he stopped but his addictive personality became obvious in small and large ways in terms of behaviors. Without working a recovery program those core behaviors and beliefs underscored his entire approach to life as time went on.
I would never have believed that my ex was able to treat me the way that he ended up treating me. It's almost like there was a part of him that hated me for loving him and then did everything possible to destroy me and our relationship. We had had the most glorious of loves/chemistry/alligence for one another and yes....I was VERY addicted to him and to us. Even now I have moments where I remember all of that and think "maybe" but then I play the tape out and know how it will end.
In AA/NA I've heard it said about someone that goes back out "he/she's just not done yet". They don't try and stop that person - they say go ahead and try it some more, we'll be keeping your seat warm though. We hope that if you actually do have a problem that you are able to find your way back". That is always said with compassion but with the realism that we have to believe what we believe for ourselves and not because some one tries to spare us that pain.
So, I really support you in doing whatever it is that you need to do. Tell your parents or not or tell them whatever version of his past that sounds the best.......I know that the only thing that helped me to reach for my own recovery was to hit my bottom. If I hadn't gone down to the core of that bottom I would still be trying to make my crazy life with addiction work out. I'm honestly not predicting what will or won't happen for you and your BF. I hope that there is something that will magically make this all better and work out for both of you (I'm still a sucker for Cinderella stories....). I really mean that last comment.
But.....if it doesn't....then there is a "chair" here for you and I'm keeping it warm.....just in case. I hope that for your sake that you aren't "one of us" but if it turns out you are there will will always be the hand of recovery reaching out for you. I have to remember that determining whether someone is "one of us" is really up to that person no matter how much I recognize a potential member of the group.