Feenix

I really want to stop my addiction, but I am afraid to stop. How do I overcome the fear of losing something that I've counted on for so long, even though it's not good for me and makes me feel shame?

I am 32, and have been drinking for four years, with the last two being the years I used the heaviest. I was into scripts before that, then Meth, then scripts. I was only clean for a few months before I got involved with alcohol.


I wrote this last night. (I know the idea is not original, but it is written in my own words and with my true feelings). Be forwarned...it's very long.




Dear Alcohol,

You know, I hated you in the beginning. I saw how you twisted and manipulated others, and I wanted no part of you. I didn’t like the way you made others feel, and I didn’t like the way you made me feel, either.

I avoided you for many, many years. I had other ‘friends’ I could turn to, but eventually I could see their deceptions, and in turn, I left them out in the cold.

At one point in my life, due to loneliness and depression, I got acquainted with you. You were the only one around. I had dumped my other ‘friends’, but didn’t give myself a coping strategy or plan for my life before I did so. I left myself vulnerable to you

Guess what? You were there to happily exploit my anxieties and insecurities. You told me that only if I would have you, I would not feel pain anymore. You told me that only if I would have you, my inner fears would be silenced. You promised to be my rock. You promised to be the one to get me through the rough times. You promised to fill the void within me.

And yeah, you did all of that, but in a deceptive manner. Having your friendship did not bring Tyson back. Having your friendship did not bring Loki back, John, or Grandpa Joe. You offered condolences, but the pain was still there. In fact, I think you made it worse. You added shame to my pain, where I would not have felt shame before. Shame for the things I did; shame for the things I said; shame for the way I behaved. I would not have coped with my losses in that manner had you not been there, whispering in my ear.

Don’t get me wrong--there were a few good times with you throughout the years. There were bad times between us during that period, but I thought of it as a regular relationship; that there was going to be ups and downs. You made me laugh, and you helped me to become less inhibited and more open around others (something that as an anti-social person was valuable to me). I’m seeing through that smokescreen now, and I don’t like what I see.

In the beginning, you made me feel happy. You made me feel strong. You took away my fears…or at least you helped me to block them out.

But now, for reasons I cannot comprehend (but can accept), you have turned on me.

You have taken it upon yourself to make me angry when I should be happy. And though I no longer feel bad or tired after spending all night with you, I feel bad inside because of the things I did while we were out on the town. I feel bad about not knowing just what I did until someone else informs me. It’s ironic to me that all of those fears in which you helped me quell are still there. Just the thought of it makes my hands shake uncontrollably every morning….until I see you again.

Your influence is now causing me to be shrewish and aggressive toward those I love. Your influence has caused me to lose my job. Your influence makes me tremble, both with fear and with some physical force that I cannot explain.

You make me forget things; important things. You make me forget what I’ve done with my life. You make me forget what I want to DO with my life. You make me forget about the ones I love. You make me forget about the things I like about myself. You make me forget about my pride. You make me forget about my responsibilities. You make me forget about not only the bad things, but the good things, too.

Your influence is bad for me and those around me. I start fights with my loved ones for no reason when you are around, and I make an ass out of myself in front of others when you are around. Why? I don’t know. I do know that now I am even ashamed to be seen with you!! You have ruined me. You have hurt me physically, mentally, and emotionally. This is unacceptable.

I’ve tried to control you, but you won’t be controlled. I’ve tried to ignore you, but your screams cannot be ignored. I have become obsessed with you, and helplessly tied to you.

Alcohol, we were friends for many years. However, the time has come to say goodbye. This relationship is doing me far more bad than good these days, and it’s time for me to move on…no matter how hard that will be for me.

I’m sorry that it has come to this. I really am. If I hadn’t thrown myself headlong into this relationship with you and had utilized some caution, maybe we still could be friends, but alas…that is not to be.

I have to go. I have to move on. To see you again would just bring it all back to me, so no…we can’t even see each other occasionally down the road. It’s over, mate. It’s over.

I loathe to let you go, and I secretly wonder if I will have the strength to leave you, but it has to be done. It may be cryptic for me to say this, but our relationship is gonna end…one way or another. I loved you, I always will, but you are not the one for me.

Just let me go! PLEASE??

Sincerely,
The Girl Next Door