(((((((((((Lizatola)))))))))))...I admire the honesty in your posts. I can relate so much to what your feeling and going thru because I went thru the same process with my exah.
Everyone has to find their own way. I used to beat myself up for not 'getting it' sooner. I was a seething ball of anger for a long, long time. I was clearly very angry with my exah for the continued drinking, the lying...all the consequences and behaviors that go along with alcoholism in a marriage.
For me, personally, I didn't begin to heal until I stepped out of my comfort zone and begain attending al anon meetings regularly. I also took the uncomfortable step of finding a sponsor. When I worked the program regularly and worked the steps under the care and guidance of a loving sponsor, I began to heal for the first time in a long time. All of my other attempts were just bandaids on the problem. Al anon has given me the tools I need to get past the anger and make decisions in my life that are healthy and not all intertwined with what my exah might or might not be doing at any given moment.
I was one hell of a pissed off woman too for a very long time. Truth be told, I was way more angry at myself than i was angry at him because I kept falling for the empty promises of sobriety and 'trying harder' on his part only to always find myself right back at square one...him drinking...and me pissed off about it.
The most important step in my recovery has been admitting my part in all of the disfunction. I was a willing participant in this dance of disfunction. I stayed in the marriage and kept coming back for more with unrealistic expectations that things would really change this time. This time would be different. ONly it never was because my exah wasn't committed to recovery...he didn't want the same things I wanted. His thinking and actions were governed by addiction despite the fact that I think underneath all that he really did want to find sobriety. He just wasn't willing to do the hard work it takes to get there.
Anyway, I dont' post here alot. I've been working on recovery in the real world. I don't know if you've given al anon a try yet. I dabbled in al anon for years but it wasn't until I got serious about it that I found true serentiy and peace.
My son (13) is in al ateen. Its been a HUGE help for him too.
Sending huge hugs of support and understanding...
Mary