I flirted with coke when I would go to visit my friends. I have always preferred drinking to drugs. Now I get high at least two maybe three times a week. This I know is not "normal". I tell myself I will stop and then I do it again because I deserve the treat. I spend money I don't have and cycle through depression, anxiety, and guilt. I suffer than I splurge. I think it will be okay and it's not that bad. These are the lies I tell myself. I am moody and irritable. I believe no one likes me.
If I lose my friends than I will be alone and I do not want to go around telling people I am an addict. I think part of the problem is my low self esteem and I must not love myself. I am selfish and a fool for thinking these things. My family has many addictions and I do not think smoking pot is no big deal. Drugs are drugs right. I hate my life and want to keep the party going so I can pretend I am worthwhile and lovable. I am tired of disappointing myself and I am tired of being alone. I lost my driver's license for drinking and driving and I do not have a problem. Yeah right, I seem to have many problems. I do not know how to fix myself.
I have a hard time sleeping at night, stress, worry, and disappointment make it hard to sleep. I lost my job and now I worry even more about money. Thoughts of suicide play in my head and thoughts of running away. I can't run because I have tried that before and missing my children keep me from ever being happy. I am scared to die and leave my children alone in this world. I feel this is very selfish and I glimpse light at the end of the tunnel.
It frightens me that I can never not know the evil and pain this world has to offer. I have seen first hand violence and victim. It breaks my heart and I get so depressed.
I have talked to counsellors and therapists. I become bored with them and tired of being a victim. I want to be strong, I do not want to live a life where I am constantly needing support and feeling like everyone is so much better equipped for life than I am.
I need help to remember this and all the other reason why I do not want to go out and drink and get high.