sketcher

I'm finishing up day 8 of sobriety. this is the first time i've taken a break since 2005.

i've been going through a lot of stressful experiences simultaneously and increasing the pills I was taking and drinking more and more every night started creating new problems. my mood swings were ridiculous. in one moment, I'd be depressed on a suicidal level and soon after I'd be amped up and angry. I was like a bi polar drama queen all day long.

I quit taking my wellbutrin and quit drinking and my life is becoming more manageable. I'm calmer. I have hardly any appetite in the evening. I'm sleeping better. I'm waking up without a hangover. I'm discovering a new part of my life in my 5 waking hours after work that is productive and interesting and unexpected.

I crave drinks. my mind reminds me throughout the evening that this is when I'd make a drink and this is what it would be. I respond to that with a green tea and lemon and lots and lots of honey. I follow that with endless glasses of ice cold water.

there were times I thought I would cave. I was close. bad news at work, a heated argument with my wife, news that I might have cancer and so on. but I made tea, smoked cigarettes and in my head sang the chorus to 'always look on the bright side of your life' and that has saved me so far.

tea and honey are the **** but that drink isn't solely responsible for me making it 8 days. Instead, I attribute my success to the one day at a time approach. I've conceded that I will drink again. the concept of quitting forever is overwhelming and I don't want to quit forever. I enjoy drinking. I want it back in my life. however, to date, I can take on the challenge of not drinking today and that I might not be able to stay sober through the next life crisis but I can bite my lip and get through the one happening right now without a drink.

I've got things to look forward to. my biopsy results will be back on Tuesday. I've got my first real shrink appointment in 10 days. i even told my wife I'd take a ballroom dancing class with her. out of character for me but I am a new character. I hope I can continue to keep it up. and also I hope I don't have cancer. that would suck.

glad you guys are here. I needed to share this with someone other than my wife.