You are in good company on this site. Your head and heart don't speak the same language. Many times it's best to listed to the head talk and try not to think about the heart, though it is so difficult.
Please read from the "stickies" at the top of this site. Listen carefully. You have a life. You deserve a life without drama from one who doesn't want to get clean as badly as you want it for him. We've all been there and in many cases, still are. It's so difficult.
Dear, he needs a year or so of clean and sober before you are in a relationship with him.
There are many on this board much wiser than I. My addict is my son. It hurts! We understand your pain. Try to take care of yourself. Read all you can. Don't cover up for him. Chances are, more know than you may think.
We care.