sweetheart25

Hi, its so hard to know where to start with this, I came across this group on google, I suppose I was searching for someone who might be in the same situation as me....
I met my boyfriend nearly 5 years ago (Im 25, hes 28) he has been an Iv heroin addict since he was 15. Personally, Ive never tried any drugs and I didnt know what a rollercoaster I was letting myself in for. When we met he told me "If I had you, Id give up the drugs" naively, I believed him (very inexperienced with addiction at the time!)
Anyway, so we got together and although I knew he was using heroin, I felt he would be off it soon and that would be that! Stupid I know....
It eventually got to the point where I was badgering him constantly about why he hadnt got off it yet, why did he feel the need to do drugs when we could have spent the money on doing things together?!
By this point I was already so in love with him I couldnt just walk away, although it would have been the best thing for me.
He had a job as an electrical engineer and used to use heroin before work, on his breaks and a couple of times when he got home. He eventually lost his job and kept "borrowing" money off his grandma. He was using more & more everyday, I suppose since he lost his job it helped to fill the time. After borrowing thousands off his grandma through lieing "I need rent money" or "I havent ate for 3 days" etc, she eventually saw through him and got a restraining order against him. Of course because he couldnt find money elsewhere and he knew his gran was an easy target he went to see her and got caught. He went to jail for 8 weeks. He wrote to me all the time in prison, promising me the world, he said hed never touch drugs again.
He finished his sentence, within 24 hours he had a needle full of smack in his arm. He point blank refused he had touched anything. I would constantly be on edge, hunting the house for drugs/needles and I ALWAYS without fail found them! He swore they were what Id missed from what hed used previously. I knew he was lieing but me being an idiot, I just carried on with life and let him get away with it. Anything to save an argument about the same thing over & over again...
This went on for over a year, we would be doing normal things, watching tv together or whatever, he would go to the bathroom and I would sit downstairs watching the clock, sometimes over an hour would go by and Id be scared to death he had overdosed but I knew that if he hadnt and he was just struggling to get the needle in, then I would be the one to blame for going upstairs to see if he was ok. He always came down eventually with pin head eyes and would be asleep within minutes of sitting back down or if I was talking to him his eyes would be rolling, he still denied he had done anything.
All we did was argue about smack. It was something Id never seen before meeting him and I would never have dreamt the love of my life would be an addict. So anyway, same story again, he struggles to feed his habit and goes back to his gran for more money. Gets caught again, 10 weeks jail this time. At the beginning it was such a relief, his habit was killing him and breaking me to the point of doing something stupid myself. He made me feel so worthless, all that went on in my head was, how can this drug come before me and his family when I do nothing but try and make him happy? Ill never truly understand it from an addicts point of view.
So he wrote to me from jail again, promised me things would be different this time and he really opened up to me for the first time without getting angry. He knew it was down to him and he also knew the only person that could change it was him. We got on so well while he was in prison, it was like falling in love all over again and meeting the real person and not the addict.
He came home and for 5 whole days life was perfect, he made time for me, gave me all the affection Id craved for so long and was everything I wanted and needed him to be.
Those 5 days were the best time we ever had together, dont get me wrong, when things were good, they were amazing and I know why Id stood by him so long. He made me feel so comfortable and was the funniest and most beautiful person Id ever met.
Then things started to go wrong, he would get agitated over nothing and start to pick fights with me, I think he was looking for an excuse to go and do heroin again. His "friend" came round one night and was telling him he was going to score, I cant tell you how mad I was. He couldnt bare the thought that my bf was clean and he wasnt so he tried to bring him back down to his level. Which he succeeded in doing. Once again I started to find needles in the house and my bf was back to his old ways of ignoring me and sneaking off and lying about where he was. He stole from me and sold everything we had that was worth anything. He ran out before long and stupidly went to his gran again. 3 months after his last release, he got sent back to prison again. He is still there now. He got 13 weeks this time. Im having to lie to everyone I know about where he is. I told my family he got a job and works away a lot, theyre really pleased hes "working" and is finally starting to do something with his life.
It makes me feel like crap cos I have to be like "yeah im so proud of him, thank god he finally got a job!" and its wearing me down now. I dont know how much longer I can keep it up. Theres no way on earth I can tell them about his addiction. Im not ashamed of him cos I love him but I know they wouldnt understand and would just go crazy at me. Hes been in prison for nearly 7 weeks now and I feel so down. I see my friends with their boyfriends and they moan about silly little things and I cant help but be jealous and wish that I had such a simple life without having to worry about smack every waking moment.
Hes told me that hes got off methadone and will be coming out of jail on nothing but blockers. He told me he'd relapsed before as he was on methadone and his prescription wasnt right. He said he will never let me down again and Im so desperate to believe him. 3rd time lucky right? Or am I just kidding myself? I know what Id say to me if I was the other person reading this. Id say get out while you can as he'll never change. But when he went to court he chose to go to jail so he could do rehab (they gave him an option of jail or 3 weekly drugs tests which hes done before and always used to fake so he got a negative) My heart is telling me that he really does want to get clean if he put himself into prison to do rehab again but my head is telling me he'll never change. I dont know if anyone will reply but it felt good just to tell my story (lots missed out) because other than my bfs family, nobody knows hes an addict. This is whats messing my head up. I have no one to talk to who wont judge. Ive kept this inside for 5 years now and having to make excuses for the way he is, is getting too much to bare.