I kicked my husband out a few times - when I discovered he was back in active addiction. He was never really clean, he was only abstaining and taking suboxone so not to be sick. No real recovery! Huge difference. He always found the way to convince me to let him back home. I was weak and I was naive and he was a master manipulator.
My story is not to give false hope but just something to think about.
This time after I kicked him, I was a mess. I road the roller coaster. (read my old posts, lol) Often times, I even started the ride. I went on and off again contact. I saw a lawyer and ran an told him. MY big threat didn't work.
Then I got a therapist, joined SR and started going to Alanon. I felt different... a little stronger. Not every day but I knew again - somewhere it was still in me. He saw a difference too and commented on it. Which as a codependent only made me want to go more. Doesn't matter, it got me there. I cried my whole first meeting. I was a basket case. No make up, sloppily dressed, etc. And they cared, there was no judgment! I now go with make up, dressed nicer and with a smile...most of the time..sometimes I still run out the door. Doesn't matter to them how I look, it just matters that I am there.
My husband told me he was impressed and thought he would check it out. He went but it was all a farce, more manipulation and I knew it and told him so. His got sloppy and I got wiser.
As I got stronger, he got more and more scared to lose me and I mean really lose me. I was no longer the emotional wreck he was used to. Think about, how attractive (not just physically) could I have been..crying, angry, depressed, "crazy" I now started to look and feel better and he knew I wasn't going to be as easy to manipulate me.
My husband was living in a nice hotel, new clothes, out drinking with his buddies, taking his pills, and blowing money. Looked like he had it made, NOT a care in the world. And I felt like I had the weight of world on my shoulders. I liked the victim role...it wasn't fair, I cried. But later he confided in me - he was scared, scared he couldn't stop taking pills, fear of w/d, fear of more failure, depressed to the point of crying and wanting to end it all, was really lonely and in quiet moments he knew what his life had become. His own voice was telling him, not MINE!! His life wasn't "all" that I had made it out to be. He was in pain too...and no amount of numbing it allowed him to fully escape it.
I wasn't playing the dance of anger anymore or as often. I had huge set backs and I posted them all here...the truth hurt but it helped me see who I had become. Who he had become too. Trust me, I was NOT overly happy yet...I just didn't let him see that. I started to build a new dream in my mind and it didn't include him. Sometimes that dream gave me so much strength, sometimes it was painful but the strength part was new and exciting. And it was different. I had good days and I had bad days...but at least I now had some good days...standing on my own.
My husband was now really scared. He had no one left. My daughter refused to invite him to her graduation. I let it be her decision and that was hard for me. He used it as excuse to buy pills and get drunk. (He had tried to talk to her, she said "Nope!! I am done with you. I don't like people who take drugs" and hung up.)
He wasn't invited because he was using drugs so he went out and used some more. The insanity of it could boggle my mind if I let it. I don't. I refused to feel sorry for him and when he told me what he did the night of her graduation... I said "I am done with you. I don't like people who take drugs" and hung up) and blocked him. He was now alone, in his own skin.
He knew we were all jumping ship and he was alone and SCARED. He got himself to NA regularly, got a sponsor, a support group and is clean for today. He is working his recovery and I am working mine.
My point is this......a healthier, stronger, confident woman is far more attractive. For me, it didn't matter how or why I got there, as long as I got there. Once I was healthier, I could find the strength to work on ME more sincerely and it would be easier. So maybe, I initially did it for him (in a way) but as I keep growing...its becomes more and more about me!
I am far from "healthy" but I am not as "sick." I have a long way to go...and now I look forward to it and its really about ME.