Yesterday is history and tomorrow a mystery, but today is the first day of the rest of your life. If you only look at not drinking or using just for today it becomes a less daunting task. Don't know what an AV is but if you're having problems coping with a sober life style then you need to associate with others going through what you are, on a face to face basis. I urge you to get yourself to A.A. or some form of it.
One thing I CAN promise you is that even though you can't "check out of reality when the stress is overwhelming" is that you will get to a point the you'll be able to handle it better and it won't be overwhelming anymore. It's also true that even though we were able to check-out by using, when we sobered up the things we were hiding from were still there and maybe even more stressfull because they'd been allowed to fester.
Another thing about 'checking out' is that when we did, we also missed all the wonders of the world that were happening around us. Personally, I love the serenity of drifting across a mountain lake in my canoe with an eagle flying overhead. If I'd been drinking or using, even if I had made it onto the lake, I'd have been to worried about the eagle crapping on my head to enjoy the world aroung me
You're doing fantastic - keep with it - It's most definitely worth it
