forabetterlife

That pretty much sums it up. For no reason, none at all. Had a great day..my daughter's championship game, out to lunch, now home to a nice clean house, exercised today, I have a great book to read - what is my problem?

But, I'm unsettled. I want to drink. It's like I need to be completely occupied from midmorning until about 7pm or else I'm a wreck. I'm allowing thoughts to enter my mind that are serve me no purpose but to make me anxious and feeling bad about myself, mostly about this relationship that I should have known for years can't work. But I still beat myself up about it, wondering what I did wrong, why he chose to leave again. Even though, logically, I know it's for the best. One second I'm fine on my own, the next I feel I will never find anyone again and I'll be single the rest of my life, and the next I only want him. What is wrong with me?

I know if I was drinking, I wouldn't be thinking of any of that. I'd be wrapped up in drinking and getting buzzed and pushing it all away. And then I'd wake up tomorrow and it will still be there, ten times worse, with a hangover, guilt and shame on top if it.

I know if I get through today, or even the next hour, I'll be ok, it will get better. But right now all I want to do is go to the store and get a few beers or a small bottle of wine and just medicate these feelings and this uncomfortableness I feel about everything right now.