I have 77 days today. This is the longest I have ever gone without a drink since I started drinking 13 years ago. That feels pretty amazing.
Yet, my life is still in shambles. I'm terribly depressed, and angry, and resentful and self seeking. I'm having a hard time following through on EVERYTHING my sponsor asks of me. Mostly because of the depression I am in. I know that sounds like it's not complete surrender. It probably isn't.
I just decided I was an alcoholic, like two weeks ago. That was a hard pill to swallow, so to speak. I keep saying it in meetings because I'm hoping I will finally "get" it. I mean, I thought I got it when I finally admitted it. But, the debating society in my head is still very strong.
Anyway, I'm about to get a job that involves A LOT of driving, and transporting people. It also requires being on call 24 hours a day M-F. I realized, I can't do this job if I am drinking. I will get fired, I could hurt someone or myself, I could have a very difficult time ever getting a job in my profession again. A profession that I have worked a long time to even get into. And you know what is absolutely INSANE and CRAZY??? You would think, if I had to make the decision between the beer or the career I've worked years to get into, I would jump with both feet into the career and not look back. That's what a "normal" person would do, right?
I was talking to a friend last night about the job, and she started hysterically laughing and then said, "I can hear how you are trying to negotiate it in your head. You're thinking, 'i wonder if there is a way I can get away with it'". And that's so true!!!
I hate my head when it comes to this stuff.
