EmmyG

I've been living apart from AH for nearly a month now and it's weird how different I'm feeling. We have counseling again today and I'm feeling a lot of anger toward him. I've been thinking about everything I've been through with him and the occasions he's ruined. I'm also feeling more at peace than I have in years. I'm so relaxed with the kids, and at night it's really nice to have my own space. No one is here to correct me or yell at me for things I do a little bit wrong or forget. AH isn't drinking and he's been really pleasant to deal with. He's visiting the boys every two days or so and he's making sure he gives me money toward taking care of them and myself. He says they seem so much happier now because we aren't fighting.

Anyway, last night he called me to say goodnight and he was telling me about work and it kind of hit me, I asked myself "What is it I've been trying so hard to hold onto?" Him or the idea of him? He mentioned the other day the fact that he never wants to cuddle, and that he does like to, but his resentment toward me has kept him from being loving. It made me so mad that he would say that. After the extremes he's been to...he resents me. Why bother being with someone who resents me? Why be married to someone like this? I've been so loyal and he has the gall to act as if the reason we're apart is me. Sometimes I just don't even like him. It makes me wonder if I've been obsessed with keeping this together for no reason other than my own stubbornness to admit that it's not working