My therapist said she and most counselors she knows will never do couples counseling when one partner is an addict until the addict has been sober for one year. Not just "dry" but sober. The reason why is that relationship problems cannot be untangled from the addiction problems. And too often, addicts use couples counseling as a forum to blame the other person and avoid having to look at their addiction and the destruction it's done to the relationship.
Couple's counseling with an addict who hasn't been sober for at least a year would be like trying to fix the brakes on a car while there is a huge tree laying on it that has crushed it. Sure, you could try to fix the brakes but the point is, the car is crushed and that tree is still laying on it! It's not going anywhere!
Or, it's like your AH getting drunk and trying to cut down a tree and it ends up crushing the car (which is a metaphor for your marriage). It's his fault and it has happened because he was drunk. Also, the brakes are bad because you did not take it to the mechanic in time. So you go to counseling and your husband expresses his resentment toward you for not getting the car to the mechanic in time before the brakes totally went. Well, okay, but what about the fact that he crushed the car when he was drunk?
So what does he have to do? He has to never get drunk again, get the tree off the car, and get the entire car repaired. And then it would be an appropriate time for you to take responsibility and get the brakes fixed.
Couples counseling is also very bad when one partner is an abuser. And yes, emotionally and physically abusing you while drunk means he's an abuser. Non-abusers do not abuse people while drunk. Alcohol is an excuse, not a reason for abuse. Abusers in couples counseling make the relationship even more dangerous for the victim by blaming her and making her work even harder to "fix" the relationship, thus setting her up for more abuse.
Abusers are always wonderful at times, too. Otherwise, how would they keep their victims around?
Safe people do not store up their resentments and then unleash them through verbal and physical abuse when drunk. Safe people communicate clearly and lovingly.
Should you stay or should you go? Let me ask you what I asked myself, and it sounds harsh. If your husband was hit by a truck and died tomorrow, would you pick a new relationship with someone just like him, knowing that it would be tons of work and very hard and possibly end in his relapse anyway? Or would you pick someone stable and loving and non-addicted?
((HUGS)). I am so glad you and your kids have such a great place to stay, that you are making a good living from home, and that you have the support of your parents. What do they think about the situation?