Yep, I have been abandoned repeatedly by my AH as well when I needed him the most.
It feels very odd to be thinking of me for a change. Am uncomfortable with it, and frankly, scared to death.
I think this is so beautiful.
Eventually, the pain and shame subsides and it gets easier. Right now, my AH is begging me (again) to not leave but is unwilling to do the things necessary to show in some small way he's willing to change like A) get sober or B) go to therapy.
So I'm leaving. Finally. I'm tired of worrying, trying to fix myself so he'll love me, the emotional games and madness. It's a real relief to know it'll end soon. I've left before and I always wake up feeling like it's Christmas morning when we're separated. You don't even know the relief it will bring. It's like magic.
The way I got the courage to leave the first time was by realizing I had done everythign in my power to change him and it just wasn't going to happen.
So, the fear of the unknown because more appealing than staying and living for another 15 years with an alcoholic who doesn't care enough about our marriage to meet me half way. Also, this place gave me the ability to see his blameshifting for what it is.