EmmyG

I've been living apart from my AH for about a month with our two boys, aged four and ten months. He is an occasional binge-drinker, with his last two binges happening within a two-year period. He is a mess when he drinks, and he gets very hostile toward me, verbally abusive, and he's pushed me and slapped me on a couple different occasions. This last episode didn't involve any of that, but I left because I said I would leave if he drank and he did.

It's working out pretty well for me to stay with my parents. They have a large house on a lake, and it's a beautiful summer here. I'm making good money working from home and I have help with the kids, so that's been really good for me. The boys are happy, and AH comes to visit every couple of days when he's not working. We've taken them to be beach and other outdoor activities, and they have a great time with their dad. He's sober like he is most of the time, and he's fun to be around. The only time I really miss him is at night when I'm done working and the kids are in bed.

We have been seeing a couples counselor who specializes in addiction and a few of the other issues we have. He's been surprisingly honest with her and encouraged me to say what I needed to say, which was mainly involving his past behavior. I think she was surpised to hear me say how infrequent his drinking sessions are, as she expected something worse, but she understood more once I enlightened her on what a typical binge is like for him. As she talked to him, he opened up about resentments he has toward me and how it all comes out when he's drunk. He said "Why do you think you're the only one I'm like that toward?" And it kind of rang true what I've heard on this board...that his nastiness when drunk is not just the alcohol...he knows what he's doing, and he does it because he resents me for past issues. That's why it's always so weird to see him like that when he drinks, because he's not your typical abusive husband when sober. He never puts me down or discourages me, he tells me every day that I'm beautiful, and encourages me to have my own life, and isn't jealous or controlling.

Do I go down this path of trying to understand? He hasn't been drinking at all since that binge, that I know of (it's pretty easy to tell when he's drinking). We are still married of course, but living apart, and we both seem happier for it. We agree that the best thing for the kids is to keep it how it is right now. I'm not doing the counseling to necessarily stay with him, it's more like I want the insight into our relationship and to resolve some old stuff so that if we part, it's amicable, and we can at least understand where each other comes from. He sees it more as a chance to get past everything and do what we need to do to have a healthy family.

Any thoughts from anyone? I do love him of course. Do I give therapy a shot or do I just say it's been too long and too much has happened? Do I just say that he's been physical so that's a serious dealbreaker and I don't want to save this marriage?

Overwhelming..