NewbieJ

At this point I am not determined to stay - I identify what what Limiya said, "You are afraid of staying in this relationship, and you are afraid of leaving."

A lot of my fear stems from feeling that us no longer being together is the only healthy option, because I know that it will not get better unless he gets help, and right now alcohol is his solution, not his problem. As far as an abuser getting better, that I'm not sure about. It's very muddy to me, the relationship between abuse and alcohol. But there are other signs of control that I see - that he gives me money every week instead of adding me to his bank account, wanting explanations for why I don't call/text him back right away, etc.

We are living separately, he is in a hotel and I am at our apartment. Thankfully I have been referred to a local women's center that provides abuse counseling, and am looking forward to that. Someone I spoke to after tonight's meeting said that in hearing me speak, she hears that I am not feeling an emotional connection to what happened, that I am detached from it and essentially numb. I think this is true. I only just cried about it today, and it was only because I saw my AH briefly when he came to pick up some of his things, and I arrived as he was leaving.