Inner,
I remember the stage you describe very well. I remember my panic/freak out mode at 30,60 and 90.
Looking back I see that I was craving MORE than just drugs/booze.
When I read your statement about you feeling invalidated when your sponsor said that talking to her other friends helped her...I wanted to hug you and shout "YES! I know JUST how that feels"
I remember going through a period of feeling many of the things you described.
My first few days in the room, I was the newbie everyone wanted to be real nice to. A month later...there were a bunch of people newer than me, AND some of them seemed to be doing so gosh darned well. Sailing through recovery, mastering the steps, going out for sandwiches after meetings with all the old timers..etc etc. And I was still struggling. Poop!
I called some of the people who'd been MOST adamant when they pressed their numbers into my hand...and listened to them talk about their current struggles for an hour! I was very much in the "hey, what about ME mode?"
Many times I felt people were spouting the party line at meetings, rather than actually responding honestly. People saying what we all wished was true. Sometimes after meeting, someone would come to me and tell me they knew where I was coming from, and their own experiences with it.
I was pretty angry that the people were imperfect, needy, trying to look good, playing the popularity contest bit, all of it...darn them for being not only human, but insecure, and sometimes not so honest humans. Darn them!
I realized I wanted to be saved. I wanted a big strong raft of selfless healthy, stable people to reach up and pull me onto their raft, and we'd all float down the happy river of sobriety.
I remember nights when I was crazy with cravings, calling people who kept saying "why don't you call?" and being so angry that they weren't picking up their phones.
I realized that I wanted them to be more invested in my sobriety than I was. I wanted them to work harder for my sobriety than I did. I wanted the whole world to convince me that I was worth saving and fighting for. I was so insecure in myself that I was, in a sense, demanding that others convince me into getting and staying clean.
What I was craving, far beyond booze and drugs was a sense of belonging, peace, security, support.
One of the reasons we work on our relationship with our HP and with ourselves (by getting honest and doing 4-7) is because THOSE are the relationships that will be with us 24/7, the one's who will never give us a voice mailbox.
Even the old timers have days like I had...wishing someone would call, or pick up the phone when THEY called. Wanting someone to validate THEIR share at a meeting. Wanting to not be embarrassed to admit they were struggling or questioning. Having a lot of clean time can be VERY isolating! My sponsor with 23 years is having a real hard time, and now he is looking for a new sponsor himself...and everyone in the area has looked to him for over a decade as Grand daddy recovery...and it is hard for them to conceive, let alone hear, that he is struggling, and if they are willing to listen and accept it...they feel there is nothing they could possibly have to offer HIM.
I had to refuse to answer the cravings and use any rational time I had to work on my step work. I had to learn to trust myself and my HP, and accept the people in my groups as struggling humans, just like me.
The stronger my life got in other areas, the weaker my cravings were.