way to go T, bringing yourself back, finding your core of strength.
I have a need, it's almost cellular, to have a "good" relationship with my children's father, this need leaves me to overlooking all past experience thinking things will be different/better now (we are divorced, so my need now is for an amicable post-seperation parenting relationship).
I have no idea why, but this desire leads me to give a gazillion second chances that this time will be different when we have contact. Any crumbs of normal civil behaviour (such as acknowledging me in any way when I ring to say I'm outside to pick up the kids, rather than him simply putting the phone straght down on me, or I have one text where he does not call me a controlling, lying stealing wh*re/ c*nt/ f*ck/ b*tch/ sociopath/ psycopath) I take as a sign that he's now going to think and behave differently, I start to beleive that we've turned a corner, he will be civil now, the kids can have birthday parties with us both there, we will be able to discuss problems they are having at school....... and I'm off on a flight of fancy where he and I are some "ideal seperated amicable parents".
then I'm surprised and devastated when he reverts to type, often within minutes, and caught in a spiral of trying to work out why he thinks that, defend/justify myself explain why what he thinks I am doing is wrong.
The only way I can stop this happening, detach from it, is to limit all contact to the bare minimum (I was singularly unable to do it when we were living together: hats off to anyone who can).
I'm still caught out, but from a physical distance I find it much easier to objectively see the patterns, my emotional buttons have some "armour", to deflect any attempts at pushing them.
FYI, my ex also believes I am controlling, victimising and abusing him. This used to set me in a spin, am I abusive? am I controlling?, etc, etc. The fact is like all humans I have my moments of less than enlightened behaviour, but the stuff he refers to as "evidence" is either me setting boundaries, or a minor lapse (laughing when he repeatedly demanded that I pay for his expensive sunglasses that he claims his kids broke whilst in his care - not helpful, and I apolgised) and are met with out-of-proportion responses (in the above instance, threatening to put me in hospital and then opening negotiations be email on a visitation matter by saying I was lucky he didn't, it happens on the news alll the time and he doesn't understand why I think I'm bullet proof, but that if he did it would be because I was trying to push his buttons to make it happen to make him look bad.....)
anyway, I suspect this "need" for me, is boringly about how I felt when my parent's divorced, and a need for my divorce to be different have less impact on my children, but it is utter madness really.
I currentlky deal best with exAH when I am able to view him as someone who is mentally/emotionally sick/challenged (not necessarily by alcoholism) just someone whose tantrums and outbursts say more about his world view and mental state, than mine, like a tired toddler shouting that they hate you.