Aeo,
Thanks for starting *this thread. It's obvious you love your kids deeply. They will not be better off without you. Your running away will only add to the stress and confusion they may be feeling right now.
I sat down with my then teenage daughter after a year or so of sobriety and explained to her that I couldn't drink anymore and how I was trying to stay sober. I apologized for anything and everything mean I ever did and said to her while I was drinking, that I couldn't remember anything specifically but was sure I had been mean and unfair to her. She said she couldn't remember either other than the times I drove her to and from her boyfriend's house very fast with the music blasting and singing at the top of my lungs.
I apologized to her for that.
I dreaded (fear) having to have this conversation with my daughter and it turned out to be, at least to her, just another normal mother daughter chat. At least that was my perception.
What I am trying to say is that when drinking or recently sober our minds still distort reality a bit and things we say and do tend to be exaggerated in our minds causing huge guilt and regret that arent really proportionate to the act itself. Do your best not to call your daughter an effing idiot again, but all the other stuff you said and felt wasn't really that wrong. My 9 year old loses her prescription glasses a couple of times a year and I have lost it a few times as well.
Excessive guilt and shame are normal in early recovery. Don't trust your feelings too much during this time.
Take care and best wishes to you.