Thank you all again.
Please don't misunderstand. There are many caring, sharp, strong, and honest people here. I welcome their input and appreciate their time and efforts to help keep me on my path of recovery. I need to be called out and I can take it....99% of the time.
I was in denial and confused for far too long. I can't imagine how frustrating it is for someone healthy to keep reading one sad, unhealthy post after another. I am not even close to being healthy and sometimes I feel frustrated. (so I just don't post). Often times, I don't post....because of the "who am I am to give input" feeling. It feels too hypocritical.
Yesterday, we (yes, me and my AH) drove 2 hours one way to a family meeting at my son's program. I tried to not be anxious, I prayed and kept repeating many AA slogans in my mind. It was a very painful meeting, but I refused to back down from my position. My son had a nasty look and a nasty attitude and I was not gentle. I was honest and straight forward with him. I will give my husband credit too. Both the program director and I were impressed with how he handled it. He told my son he was done making excuses for his own actions as well as his, etc. He told my son "I am addict because of poor choices I have made, I have a long road to change, it won't be easy but I am determined. I have hurt many people and I have so much to make up for. You want to go down that road, it's your life....I can not save you from yourself, your mother has tried way too hard, and until I see an honest effort on your part, I will no longer help you and I will support your mother's decision to let go and allow you to choose our own path and if its prison....then so be it." After the meeting, my son got up and asked "did I miss dinner?" What?? Not one tear, no emotion....nothing. We went back to the car and my husband stopped and hugged me and said "you can't save him any more than you could save me....just take care of you." Then I noticed he had put his NA key chain on his key ring (wow). And for that moment, I believed he meant what he said. I also remembered Kindeyes post and many others. I too have become determined to quit smoking but fail over and over again. I was left with many mixed emotions.
Then I went to an Alanon meeting and it was about "expectations." I cried the whole way home. I did expect to be married to the end, I did expect to trust, love and honor my husband and I did expect to be treated the same way. Was that so wrong? Was that so unhealthly?
I left with the realization the only people I can and should trust is God and myself and that was a different perspective of how I have lived my life and I was left with a very empty feeling. Then I came home to an empty house and looked around and thought every one of my expectations and all my dreams are gone.
I cried and I am prayed. With God's help, I will make it over the bridge (thank you KE for that image, I keep it in my mind constantly)....it's going to be painful, I am going to stumble, I may even fight it on some level....but it is where I want to be...so it is where I will end up.
So just for today, I am going to count my blessings and I still have many. Just for today, I am going to keep kicking out the negative thoughts that enter my mind and love myself....the best I can right now.
Again, Thank you all for being YOU and supporting me. I am not crazy, I just have no balance yet.