Day 4 - Exhausted
I can't sleep, but made myself get up this morning. Emotionally I go back and forth. One minute I'm hopeful and think I can work toward getting everything back that I lost with time and work... The next minute I think about how MUCH I actually lost and wonder if it's even possible.
I read some of the threads from "Friends and Family" on this website and it made me feel as though I'm never going to change. That I can't believe myself when I say I'm going to change... After 7, 8, 15 years, I could decide to pick up a drink and do it all again. Lose it all again, if I am able to gain it all back.
I think about ending it all, a lot... but my fear of my daughter finding herself at the same place as I am at 30... With a problem she doesn't understand, losing it all because she lost her mom 19 years ago, keeps me here. Even with the criminal charges, losing my career as a youth counsellor, I have left her relatively unscathed (thank god). I just feel so low. How could I possibly gain it all back?