I too waited for years to confront my AH - like yours he always tried to put me down in jokey ways, he ignored the kids, he drank his business into the ground- and in all the years I thought I could control the situation! Everything looked ok from the outside but it wasn't - finally after realizing that my daughter had chosen an alcoholic boyfriend( who has now gone) and another son with depression, I realized how much damage had been done- by his alcoholic beviour and my codependent behavior. I no longer could keep juggling all the balls- told him so and asked him to go to rehab.
He did and is now home- it's early days yet but the whole experience taught me that this is my time to change. I attend al anon , and have found my higher power- I basically called for help in the middle of a melt Down, and something answered.
I know now that I cannot control the situation, but also know if my RAH doesn't embrace his recovery fully, then we will separate. He seems to have sensed the change in me and his attitude is changing- he wants to be sober.
I hope that you too will come to your decision - it will come when the time is right for you. I have been married for 23 years, and although I love him this time I know I will no longer live with him if he starts drinking again