I left my husband a year ago on May 25th, 2011. I know exactly how each of you feels. The financial aspect of everything is what kept me in a rotten situation for sooooooo long. I've never worked harder at making something work so it was very difficult for me to finally let go.
I've recently summed it up this way......staying with him would have killed me for sure (slowly if nothing else). Leaving him almost destroyed me but it at least gave me a chance. I relied on the experiences of other people that had walked in my shoes. So many people came forth last year to encourage me when I was at the same place of finally being ready to leave.
There is a better place but you only get there by beginning to move one day at a time.
I know what it is like to fear financial ruin, aging alone, and an unsure future. I was so afraid that I was finally going to leave and then return (once again to him). There were many times over the last year when I almost faltered and considered that. I truly understand what white knuckling really means now.
And.....I'm really glad that I've done what I've done and not returned. I really didn't anticipate the twists and turns of the last year but by hanging tight to my recovery principles I've made it. I've totally downsized and am adjusting to a whole different type of life. One without the chaos, pain, and drama of my ex. He continues to email/text to tell me how much he misses me and loves me but I see that for what it is...an illusion that would only sweep me back into the nightmare of a life with him. I was so unhappy with him and so lonely.
I finally had a "come to Jesus" meeting with myself last fall....I had left, was committed to staying gone, but paralyzed by financial fears. I finally sat down and truly figured out what my retirement income was going to be (or lack of income...ha ha). Once I got that number I decided to get to where I could start to live on that amount right now. It took about 6 months for me to sell everything that I needed to sell (furniture, the house, etc.) and get to that point. Now, anything I make above that point can go straight into savings. The burden that is off my heart is huge. I am living within the means that I can provide for myself -now and in the future. Now I know that nothing is worth selling my soul for. I wake up in the morning and look out my window and see the sunshine and the trees. It's so different than waking up and knowing that my day is going to be full of pain and no telling what else involving my ex. I've had to embrace loneliness, regrets, and sorrow - but have found that creating relationships with other people that are struggling is so very helpful. None of us is alone unless we chose to be. I know that I need friends and there are other people out there just like me.
I can't tell you that it's easy but I can tell you that it's worth it. Living with someone that is in active addiction is traumatic and makes it hard to function and see the way out. Although my ex husband was sober he was not in recovery. I thought that him getting sober would be the answer but it wasn't. All of the "isms" really were still there and it was horrible living with him. Without his substances he began to use anger as his drug. So, to me, sobriety was worse in some ways than his active addiction.
Through my own recovery work I found brief moments of serenity...and once I tasted that I wanted more. I think that is how I finally found the strength to leave and stay gone. There were times over the last year where I felt numb and like life was bland....I think it was my nervous system detoxing from all of the strife and abuse. My detox and recovery from my ex seemed very similar to what I've heard addicts in recovery say about their first year of sobriety.
I definitely know how hard it is leave but I also know how hard it is to stay.