though im disgusted by the sight of my XABF
the guilt i feel bc my son misses him hurts me
These are the reasons to get a paid supervisor. Someone who is not disgusted by the sight of your sons father, nor feels the hurt from guilt. the supervisor is paid to supervise and take notes on the visit.
SoaringSpirits is right on about putting the ball in his court. It is not your responsibility to tend to his relationship with his son, and soon enough your ex will show his true colors. He will show up intoxicated, or not show up at all.
Please do whatever you can not to expose your son to your bad feelings about his dad.
Yes, he is still in diapers, but he knows when mommy is mad.
Consider also, how much easier it will be to get better yourself by limiting all contact with him. The paid supervisor would actually speed this up I think.
Just my opinion from what I experienced myself, and with my own children.
Beth