Hello everyone,
This is my third attempt over the last 6 years to get off of alcohol. A story in the big book says something to the effect of " Trying to be a orange when your a apple". That about sums up my whole life. Nothing drastically happened for me to come to this place. I heard a voice that asked the question and stated "Your a alcoholic. Why are you doing this?"
I have spent years in therapy, gained 8 months of sobriety on my own, a stint in rehab and a week shy of a year in AA. Right before my 1 year mark I was feeling like I really needed to DRINK. I didnt call anyone from AA for help. I thought "Im not a alcoholic. I can control this!" So.....I started drinking and things quickly progressed to "out of control" in a matter of months.
There is a huge amount of shame that a alcoholic will feel after a night of beligerant behavior. The fights with the husband, the conversations that are not clear, the violent episodes, the puking, not being able to get out of bed, telling yourself you will never drink again, holding a bottle of wine and telling yourself you'll only drink half, saying your not drunk, driving while drunk, passing out....mixing with pills... Jesus, the list goes on and on. I can't control this.
I feel ashamed. I feel robbed. I have felt all of this before. I have felt these emotions of shame, of embarrassment, of complete despair so many times and it never really sunk in that what I am doing is not working, or if it did sink in, it quickly left and I was back to doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
I walked from AA because I got bored. I didnt know how to live without alcohol after a period of time. I let my head get in the way. So, I got off the train of sobriety and have been miserable ever since.
Now, my husband and i have both attempted sobriety and we have both gone back to drinking with a vengeance. I told him last week that i was going to AA and he stated " I am not willing to do that". He didnt support the decision at that time. He needs to think about how he is going to support me now. Its not like I dont understand the alcoholic mind and not wanting to give up alcohol. I'm not asking him to quit. Im not saying he's a alcoholic. I am saying that this is about me....I want to be sober. I want to feel good. I want to live free of this.
I went to 2 AA meetings yesterday and am excited to go today. One day at a time.... ( forgive the grammar)