LoveMeNow

As I sit and talk to my AH, I am NOW seeing what I tried so hard to deny. He is not the same person. The man I married is gone, he is demon possessed by addiction. He is trying hard to manipulate me, even going to NA meetings. My mind knows better although my heart still wants to hold on to hope. But my mind has become stronger and can not deny reality any longer. This is causing me to physically and emotionally sick. My mind and heart are in conflict but my mind is winning.

I always believed my husband would support me financially, I believed he owed me that much as I have given him all I had. I wanted him to support me while I tried to get stronger so honestly I have not worked hard on my recovery. I fooled myself into thinking I had time. I was still hoping! I still wanted to wake up from this night mare.

When I am around him, I become physically anxious now. I know he looks and sounds like the man I loved, but he is not. I still want to tell him what I KNOW! I know he gone and for some stupid reason, I want to share this my awareness with him but nothing I say is going to make a difference. I am powerless.

His money will go to him, his addiction, his golf, his gambling, his survival. I will get the crumbs if I am lucky and it will not be enough to survive. I am forced to make the changes I have dreaded.

Will I be able to make it on my own, what will I do, where do I start, how do I clean out this house myself, will I succeed in working full time again (its been a long time) and what will happen to my precious dogs.

The depression, fear, pain and unknown have been paralyzing. I feel like I have no one and feel so all alone.

Then I thought, what if he did die, what would I do then? I would be forced to help myself. I really don't know how to stop communication with him but I know I have to and I know I have to accept what is now the truth.

I can no longer dabble with MY recovery. I must make the commitment. I am at my bottom. He plans on coming home because I was too afraid to be on my own. I think the whole thing with my son would have stopped that anyway but I can not allow my husband in my life any longer. It is making me crazy. He is not the same and I do not like or trust this person so why would I let him life???

I convinced myself he wouldn't steal from me because he has enough money to support his habit. But in time, that will change. And in reality he has already stolen so much me from. Why did I deny that??

I am so scared.....but I want to cross the bridge so many here have. I am going to do for myself what I would do for him. I am going to let go. Its best for both of us.