Oh Krys...
After I left my XABF I went back SO many times while he was deep in addiction. On the "big" move out...I frantically found a room on Craigslist from a stranger. It was a far cry from the gorgeous home ON THE BEACH that he and I had lived in. It was a far cry from the delicious dinners, the weekend walks and watching the sun rise in the morning on the sand.
When I would get down...my mind would go to those places. I would think about how much the room was costing me....and I would go back.
And every time, my return was a big celebration. He would great me at the door with flowers, my old bathrobe, dinner on the stove. There would be lots of great sex and romantic moments. In a few days...it would ALL revert back....and back to my little rented room I would go.
I should have never repeated that cycle so many times. But I was irrational in pain and worry...and I did. I did a lot of damage to BOTH of us by going back.
The ONE thing that always separated that tiny, expensive, pitiful rental of mine from our gorgeous home....was SAFETY. Inside the confines of that meager rental I slept soundly, no one was there to scream at me.
Later I moved 4 hours away and I won't lie to you...there are days when I look at my bank account and worry. There are days where I see how small and paltry my apartment is and think, "God Red Candle, is THIS soooo much better?! You could be dipping your toes in the sand right now!!!"
But so far, nothing about him while he's drinking...or our old home and memories has ever been good enough compensation for the safety I feel here.
With that said, I still get very weak. I post on hear...and everyone sets me straight! They'll do the same for you.