Well I'm back :(
So here I am again, 3days sober. I had a complete and total relapse/breakdown starting late last year when I was diagnosed with an early form of cervical cancer. I completely fell back into drinking, actually very quickly, and was drinking all day long. Needless to say, during this time I lost my job as I showed up for work drunk. I am completely ashamed and am trying my hardest to stay sober, even though I am very depressed right now and would literally kill for a drink, but I know it'll kill me. I had surgery for the cancer and then a couple of days ago got the news it is not all gone so I have to undergo further treatment. I didn't drink that night and have not since-that was wed. Something has to break before I do.
The last Tuesday I was having seriously suicide thoughts and called an inpatient rehab-but didn't go to the appointment. My daughter is 5, and I could never be that selfish. I feel mildly better today, but very overwhelmed at the moment with everything. I was dry heaving on thurs which is why I know it has gone too far-it didn't just sneak back up on me, it crushed me full force worse than ever before. I went to a meeting tonight just am having sleeping issues right now. The early weeks are hardest for me, I just can't believe I threw my sobriety away like that. It was literally five days drunk all day, two days off, rinse and repeat. Sorry just had to vent somewhere. I'm feeling pretty alone right now, but thank god for my daughter.