Lonely road of recovery
It's been exactly one week since my AF started the methadone program. On the positive side: He's steadily decreasing his dosage; trying to taper off his Valium prescription; going to meetings ... I'm starting to see glimpses of his "normal" self, even if it's only for 20 minutes at a time. He seems very committed to get through this - no self-defeating thoughts other than "I feel like crap...", but he's trying to stay positive otherwise.
As for me, I've been trying to detach myself more from his problem. I'm doing my best to not buy into the "pity party" - I just tell him to be strong and he can do this. When I can't communicate with him because he's out of it, I simply leave the room and do something else.
I'm so thankful I have people here to talk to because I don't feel like I can talk to anyone else about this. In the past, when something was wrong with him I've made excuses - for myself, our friends, and especially for my family (who is very judgmental and loves to gossip). This time, I'm keeping my mouth shut! It's his battle and his choice to either hide from his feelings of shame or own up to them. On one hand, I know that's part of MY recovery as well as his, but on the other, I feel so incredibly lonely. I've been sick all week with a cold and working a lot (my only distraction from all this), and this weekend I have some social events that I'll be attending alone, yet again.
I'd say I do social things without him about 90% of the time because of his social anxiety and addictions. It's so frustrating when our friends ask where he is and I feel like I have to say "oh, he had to work tonight" or "he's not feeling well" just to spare MYSELF the embarrassment - for lack of a better word. He should be by my side, yet I almost always go to these things alone. I want him back - will I ever get it? Or am I watching a potential lifetime go by? I'm trying to be strong, but a part of me has been slowly dying and I'm just hanging on by threads of hope that this too shall pass. But no matter what lies ahead, part of my recovery process for NOW is to not make excuses for him. When they ask, I'll simply say he didn't feel like coming out tonight - which is the truth - and leave it at that.
And while I can't say I totally understand what he's going through, I imagine he's extremely lonely as well. I'm sure he's feeling senses of embarrassment, fear, doubt and incompetence. So far, he's just been trying to distract himself from those feelings but that will eventually be a part of his recovery too - hell, that's why he became an addict in the first place.
I know I'm rambling, but like I said, it's been a lonely road. However, in spite of everything, I can say today seems slightly better than yesterday. And yesterday seemed slightly better than the day before. I have to keep hoping we'll both get there, a day at a time ... and never look back.