Bill, I want to chime in here, too, because I might be able to offer a little bit of insight into the situation. Your posts have really helped me figure out this ACA stuff, and I'd like to ease your burden if I can. I'm in pretty much the same position as your wife, except we don't have little kids at home any more, and I work 2 jobs 7 days a week. My husband and I are both adult children of alcoholics, and we have active alcoholics in our families currently. In addition, he suffers from PTSD from active combat in Vietnam.
Most days, I feel like it's me against the world and the only place I feel safe is at home. I also feel like I'm just barely hanging on by a thread most of the time. When I am at home, I appear numb to my husband, because I'm worn out from contact with the "outside" and need down time to prepare myself to do the same thing tomorrow. It's a matter of survival for me. And I don't have any extra time or energy to waste. I can't take one more thing to deal with, without totally losing my mind.
In my case, and probably in the case of your wife, we feel responsible for the well-being of our husbands, in addition to our children. I'm not sure that's the way most women are wired. We're happy to do it, and we don't complain. We know this is how it has to be. But it would be very uplifting to me if my husband surprised me by releasing some of the emotional burden that I feel.
My husband also does most of the housework, errands, etc., which is a lifesaver for me. I know your wife appreciates all that you do, too. But if there is one thing that my husband could do that would give me a little bit of myself back, it would be for him to take charge of one thing, any one thing, so I feel like he's taking care of me, instead of vice-versa. As it is now, I feel like I'm responsible for our success financially, emotionally, and in most every other way.
Okay, I'm not sure now anything I've said is helpful to you. I've re-read what I've typed, and it sounds like I'm the one who needs advice. Darn! At least it may encourage others to speak up.