I agree with you NikNox, the time for making allowances for mum's illness has long past.
The emotional damage she inflicts on your SD every time she talks to her cannot be taken back.
Yes, your husband and you should find a counselor who understands that alcohol is no excuse for her behavior.
I am a (recovering) alcoholic mother, I had to quit drinking to keep my children after I graduated from rehab. Otherwise, the Army would kick me out and put them in foster care. I could have got them back eventually, but I was NOT going to let that happen.
No, I do not think she is in shock, I think she is having a pity party. More reason to drink. Not your fault, not SD's fault, not her ex-husbands fault, she has had plenty of direct nudges to change her life, and she chooses not to do that.
SD finally had her say, and thank the HP she did that. What a release for her.
Just keep reminding her, a drunk drinks and it is not her fault, never was, never could be.
Bless your heart for being there, and her dad for backing both of you up on this.
I understand if dad wants to minimize his role, but he might have to get in between them if mum insists on being a manipulative, whiny, tantrum throwing drunk.
Thank you from this ACoA,
Beth
:ghug3