Not to hijack the thread, but (((SoloMio))) - I don't know WHY I have abandonment issues, but I do. I was raised by parents who loved me, got the love and discipline in appropriate amounts, etc. My "theory" is that when I was born, my mom almost died and I was taken care of by everyone in the small town I was born in, didn't get that immediate bonding with mom, but it's just a theory and she more than made up for that time.
For whatever reason, I was terrified of being "abandoned". I accepted the "doormat" status, I accepted the other gf's. For whatever reason, I was absolutely convinced I could not live without him. I'd be a nobody, no one would ever want me again (not that I could even THINK about someone else), etc.
Everyone that cared about me told me "you deserve more than the crumbs left on the table...you deserve the entire MEAL" and "if you spent half as much time concentrating on you, and YOUR life, as you do on him? You'd be amazed at the life you could have".
Instead, I sunk further into depression, tried half-azzed attempts at suicide (he knocked a loaded gun and grabbed a knife from me a few times) to SHOW him how much I loved him.
Fast forward more than a decade. I sank into addiction to deal with what I couldn't seem to deal with. I hit bottom in both addiction and codependency at the same time.
Today? I'm not dating, not even thinking about it. I'm busy trying to clear up the wreckage of my past. Him? He married one of the other gf's, and it threw me for a loop when I found out. Why didn't he love ME? Why didn't he want to marry ME?
I had to come here, talk about it, talk with friends via e-mail I've made here who know me better than I know myself. I sat down, made a "pros/cons" list of what life was like with him. Yeah, there were some good things, but they came at a price, most of which affected my self esteem.
In the end? I was glad that it wasn't ME who he married. The other gf had her own issues, and they were way worse than mine.
I found out about his marriage by reconnecting with a mutual friend (she, her hubby, XABF#1 and I all worked together, but she is a true friend). I met her and her daughter for lunch, and they were absolutely THRILLED with the person I've become. We were talking about XABF#1 and I said "I always wanted to be the one who fixed him" and they both cracked up laughing, said "trust us, he is STILL not 'fixed'".
He used to tell me "if you don't like it, you can talk a walk" and I mentioned that the person I am today? He couldn't handle it, because the first time he said that? I'd say "see ya" and haul ass.
(((Krys))) - I didn't get to this point without a ton of pain, hurt, self-doubt, and everything else that felt yukky. I got here because I kept reading and posting here. I saw ME in so many other posts. I found out I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. I still have a ways to go, I still struggle with the self-esteem issue, but I'm getting there.
I can honestly tell you that if XABF#1 was presented to me, wrapped up in a bow? I'd give him back to his wife. My relationship with him is when my codie-ness manifested, and I've had a taste of what "normal" is. It's not being taken for granted, it's not being "the last resort", it's not being let down time and time again.
It's having people accept you for who you are..warts and all. Example: I'm back in school, trying to get back into the healthcare field that I totally messed up with my nursing career. I've "come clean" to a few instructors and fellow classmates. OMG, the support and encouragement I've gotten? Quite honestly, it's brought me to tears more than a few times.
THESE are the people I want to associate with. They don't care about my past, they aren't going to throw up my stupidity in my face. They see me for who I am today, and how my past has made me stronger. What's REALLY funny is, I'm the voice of reason when some of them have codie tendencies? Who'da thunk?
It took me a couple of decades to realize I really DO deserve the "full entree" and not just the crumbs. You do, too, and the best thing I can recommend is keep reading and posting here. Meetings have helped a lot of people, and I am totally supportive of them, but SR and the people here, have gotten me to where I am today. Pain, yeah...I went through a lot of it, but you can't move PAST it until you go THROUGH it, but we are here for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy