For the life of me I can't figure out why I do, but I just do. I lie about stupid stuff. I'll say I went to one place when I didn't, or tell my buddy I'll call him back and I won't. Or tell my wife I'll call on a bill and not do it. Or tell my boss that I'll call on a company and won't. Or tell my sister I'll do something and then don't... Just flakey as hell...
You know when I started drinking again it was simple. Take everything I learned when sober, all the hours spent on this site, all the AA meetings, all the podcasts, etc... just take all of that knowledge and hold on to it - and at night, maybe once or twice a week, just drink in the evenings. What could go wrong???
Well for some reason, when I drink alcohol it's like an entire personality shift. I start living in the shadows, getting dishonest, not following through on things, isolating, and basically changing as a person. It's little by little. Just little white lies day in day out that eat at my soul and make me feel bad. That bad feeling I have inside me grows and grows until I can't take it anymore and need to quiet it with booze. I then drink booze, get that swagger back, then think feeling bad for lying is stupid (cuz EVERYONE lies) justify my bad behavior, then wake up hungover, full of anxiety, shame, remorse, etc... and over and over again...
It feels so good to be back on the recovery path again. I know I've said this before, but this time I mean it. I also know I've said that before, but this time I really, really, really mean it.
Today is Day 4 for me. I wish you all the best.
