Itchy, I finished my divorce a year ago this month. We were separated for nearly 2 years before the divorce was final. Looking back on it, our marriage deteriorated rapidly because we were both alcoholics madly enabling each other. The fighting, the hatred towards each other, the avoiding of fixing anything, avoiding of each other...I know now that nearly all of it was because of the progression of our diseases. The first year we were separated my drinking spiraled rapidly out of control. I knew I had to get it together or it would destroy me. It already destroyed my marriage and I was finally being honest with myself. That was the first step.
Talking to him he would always say "I'm finally getting my drinking under control. Only a couple a night a couple nights a week."
I would go over to pick something up (a DVD, article of clothing, whatever) or visit the animals and there would be empty vodka bottles, empty beer cans, empty cases, empty beer bottles, everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE. It was utter filth. I'd look around and not say anything, of course a look is enough even though I tried my hardest not to have "that look". Always it was "ya, I had one of the guys over last night. We got a little carried away sorry." I'd always say, "Wow, one night. Impressive." Him: "Ya, I thought so too!" And he'd be so proud.
This would happen every time I went over.
I knew nothing had changed, but that his drinking had progressed beyond what it was.
I found out that his mother had quit talking to him because his drinking was so bad and it reminded her of his father.
We were talking of reconciliation and I knew that for my sobriety, my sanity, myself, I couldn't go back to that environment. It would destroy me.
So, even though he was all I had known since age 16 when we started dating, and I had moved in with him the day after I graduated high school (literally the day after I walked), I drew the line.
It's been one hell of a year for exploration of the self. I will tell you that.
Dating....I freaking...hate...it. I despise it. You don't know if you're getting what they're presenting. 99% of the time you're not. It's scary. I finally love myself enough though that...I think.
It's just....remembering...how...to...date.
Ok, I better actually do some work. Two posts in one day....I'm betting I'll end up doing a third somewhere on the forums. Lol.