Well, here I am again.
Time's gone by hasn't it? I guess I stayed away for so long because I was trying to hold on to the good that's been happening and trying to not focus on the bad.
We've gone to the marriage counsellor. Man! He's been great and we also went to a marriage retreat. Things have been getting better. But of course, things in life are not always so easy and people don't change over night.
He still does some of the same things but I'm doing okay. I'm not blubbering in a corner and believing the things that he says.
Like I said, we've been going to counselling and I was COMPLETELY ready to walk out the door on our marriage. Actually, I still am ready to leave but the counsellor is asking that we give him 6 months to work with us. That will bring us to August.
There is such a big part of me that wants to believe that things can change and stay changed but then he goes and does something stupid again.
That "stupid again" was yesterday.
He had been gone for two weeks and prior to those two weeks everything had been going well enough.
Well, he came home and (I knew this was going to happen) I didn't meet his expectations with regards to how I greeted him.
I was typing something on the computer that I needed to finish for church music. Well, I said "Hi". He hugged me and I hugged him back and I continued on the computer. He kissed me on the neck (which I don't really like because it's too personal) and I sort of grimaced. Of course, he wanted to know why and I said that I don't really like it when he kisses me on the neck. I've said that before so it's nothing that he doesn't know.
Well, before you know it he's upset/hurt/angry/bothered/annoyed because "Why do you have to be like that? Why are you trying to ruin us? Why are you like that?"
And then the conversation continues for forever and all because I didn't greet him in the way that he was expecting. Man! I get so tired of this sort of thing.
Everything becomes my fault because I'm "not normal" (according to him) and "I'm trying to take us back to a place where we don't communicate" or something rather.
I don't know why he thinks so much that everything he feels has to be centred on what I do. I mean, it's like how I act is wrong and then he's completely allowed to become severely depressed and blame me for it.
He's sleeping in the basement again. I never told him to go there. He's bugging me so much. Barely talks and when he did (yesterday) it's just to go on and on about how I'm not "being normal" and no one would ever act like that and I'm so this.. I'm so that. Y'know everything that I've heard before.
I don't get it.
I just would like to be with someone who wouldn't feel the need to blame me for everything - like, their own mood.
Because he's got it in his head that I've ruined everything and so now I want nothing to do with him.
When we were arguing and he didn't like how I reacted to his being home (not enough enthusiasm) then over the next half hour to an hour, he kept coming back again at how I should be when he comes home. And I was like, "Okay. Fine. I'll just pretend then."
Well, then everything falls apart even more because he keeps going and prying and it's kind of weird because he keeps becoming more and more negative about how what I am and what I do is wrong... and the next thing I know I'm like: "Okay. You're right. I don't like being around you. I don't like things in our marriage."
Truth is, I was glad that he was coming home but even before he walked through that door I was thinking, "I hope he goes downstairs and sees the kids first because if I don't act in the way he's expecting then all hell is going to break loose."
Lucky me, because he came upstairs first and didn't like how I was not affectionate enough.
Trying to make it to another counselling session... again. We had to miss the last one because he was gone for work for these two weeks.
I don't want to be with this person. I don't think he's going to change.
How's this going to end?
Things had been going so well with the counsellor and then we miss one time and the walls of life come crashing down around me.
He's got this screwed up way of becoming such a victim. He just becomes this person who feels like and acts like everything I do is done so that he can be hurt.
I wish he'd get help because it's days like this that make me realize that come August I'll be hanging up this marriage.
I don't kid myself though. Life's going to be very hard if there's going to be a divorce in my life. But, if he's going to keep us this pattern then I don't think I should be here.
I don't want to quit because I like my life (minus his crazy episodes) but what happens if I start believing his stupid thinking again? I'm not going back to that place.
I just wish he'd get help. I just wish he'd really look at himself instead of picking at what I don't do for him. sucks.