Hola Amigos!
Obviously I'm here because I need help. I'm a 25 year old single woman. Successfull in life so far, college graduate, successfull career, nice home, nice cars, nice everything. Except for the demon inside me. Behind all of this cover up of smiles, and everything is ok additude-- everything is NOT ok.
I had my first drink when I was 14, haven't stopped since. Did my parents approve, hell no.... they belittle me and berate me and scold me for my behavior. But what do I do, I walk away slowly with my built up rage and take it out on the bottle. I drink alot at home, alone. I'd rather drink alone than make a fool of myself by binge drinking in front of my friends. I litterally stopped going out with my friends because I was afraid of how I would act, the fear that I wouldn't be able to control myself. Then I would talk myself into going out and putting a strict drinking limit... did it work... no. I knew and my friends knew that I couldn't handle myself and thus began to lose them one by one.
I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. My drinking more than his created 90% of our problems. I was the reason for most of the arguments, "why do you drink so much?", "why do you get like that?", "why?" I can't say why, all I know is that I felt a void inside, I didn't feel pretty enough, not funny enough, not out going enough. I depended on the alcohol to bring out the other side of me. That other side of me is an alter ego who runs herself of whom I have no control over. Its scary. "your a different person when you drink." Damn right I am, and its not a good different, depends who's perception it is. Im a drunks best friend and a sober persons nightmare.
It took me years of denial to finally admit. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM! I'm scared... seriously... I'm terrified. I wake up with no recollection of the night before, how stupid I made myself look, or how the hell I drove home. My drinking got so bad that I've ended up in a hospital once, totaled my car, another time my breathing became irregular, shaking, aches, you name it --withdrawl to the worst degree. Did that stop me... for a couple days it did at least. Than the sense of guilt and embaressment set in and I head straight to the bottle to kill those emotions. I thought that I would taper off my habits with age. I have become more mature, but with maturity comes my misconception of socal drinking and HAVING to have a drink at social gatherings.
So fast forward to the present. What realization have I had that FINALLY has pushed me over the edge to where now have decided to take more aggressive steps dispite living through every negative result of addiction since the age of 14?
The fact that its a problem and its progressively been getting worse. That and I have a pain in my bottom right side underneath my ribs. Obviously, alone I have attempted hundreds of times to stop and have always relapsed. My mind is too young to waste to this disease. I put the bottle down April 23, 2012. I think about drinking constantly. I went to the store today to buy tea to calm my anxiety, and I passed by the liquor aisle a couple times... and here comes that little voice--Hey!! just one more, and my alter ego fighting to pull me towards the alcohol. I walk away... buy my tea and come home. Any other person not facing the demon of addiction may think its all in my head or that this is crazy.... no.... Its alcoholism and it does not discriminate.
So I find my self on this site searching for support. It helps to know I'm not alone. Cheers to a new start! --> with orange juice of course
